Frodo Vs Merry
by KittyMcafee
Summary: It's Merry and Pippin Vs. Frodo and Sam in the greatest prank war Rivendell has ever seen! It's finished! Sorry it's so short, I ran out of ideas. Reviews are greatly appreciated. COMPLETED.
1. How it all began

Merry POV

_Dear Diary,_

_Frodo put paper paste in my best pipe. Highly tedious. Mouth now very sticky. Am plotting. Going to paint Frodo's favorite underwear florescent pink. Pippin going to cause a diversion. What that diversion will be, I don't know. Will find out in morning._

_From_

_Merry_

_P.S. Must go brush teeth for fifth time since 9:30 PM._


	2. Underwear and Elrond

Merry's POV

_Dear Diary_

_Pippin's diversion came in the form of The Exploding Whoopie Cushions. Was hilarious, whoopie cushions lauched 50 feet into air where they exploded with loud farting noises. Gave me plenty of time to fetch the paint and steal into Frodo's bedroom. Took me five minutes to find underwear. Stupid Frodo hid underwear under pillow. What sane person sleeps with their underwear under their pillow?_

_Bummer. Underwear already pink. With little red hearts all over it. Sick. Anyway, had to go fetch blue paint. Took another five minutes. Pippin ran out of whoopie cushions, so he started juggling Elrond's 5278 year old china plates. Rule number one in Rivendell: Never juggle Elrond's 5278 year old china plates. Especially when you are clumsy like Pippin. All of them shattered everywhere. Highly amusing. Elrond sounded like an elephant with a bellyache when he found out what Pippin had done. Tee hee._

_Was about to pain sick pink underwear blue, then realized Frodo might like blue underwear better. Much more macho. So, I fetched the yellow pain, mixed it with blue to make a nice green-brown that looked like vomit (with the sick brown flecks and all) and was finally satisfied._

_Returned to hall and had nachos with Pippin. I like nachos. Very cheesy._

_From,_

_Merry_

_P.S: Can't wait to see Frodo's face._


	3. Down and Dirty

Merry's POV

_Dear Diary_,

_That little swine! Frodo got Sam on his side. Apparently, they rubbed poison ivy all over the insides of Pippin's and my bedsheets. Am covered in itchy rash now. Look like I have chicken pox. Pippin worse. He look like big, red, flaky tomato with a wig. Am infuriated. Frodo and Sam going to pay BIG TIME._

_Am plotting. Going to pour Aragorn's aftershave into Frodo and Sam's morning tea. Why Aragorn has aftershave I shall never know. Aragorn never shaves anyway. But it had better taste really bad._

_Well, Pippin just came into my bedroom and I told him the plan. He thought plan wasn't good enough. I agree. Time to get down and dirty._

_From,_

_Merry_


	4. Alcohol and Castration

Merry's POV

_Dear Diary,_

_Pippin and I got a pet cat. His name is Fluffy. He really likes Pippin and me, but he hates everyone else. Me and practical joke accomplice decided to use Fluffy in next practical joke. Har har har!_

_Practical joke big success. Frodo and Sam were in for a whole day of pain. First, aftershave in tea. Was difficult, as Elrond had his eye on us and Frodo and Sam were sitting across table. Morning tea was about to be served. I ran in kitchen and claimed I wanted a pepperoni pizza. Very confused elfin maid with tea tray asked me what pepperoni pizza was. I told her to just ask the chef if they had pepperoni pizza. She put down the tray, walked away, and I had my chance._

_I reached into my pocket and pulled out a bottle of rubbing alcohol. So this wasn't aftershave after all. Oh, well. So I put rubbing alcohol into Sam and Frodo's drinks. Thankfully, Sam and Frodo insisted their drinks be served in special cups, so I could tell which was which. Stupid Frodo. Stupid Sam. Stupid waitress for believing me. Stupid Gimli for just being stupid. Love all stupid people._

_Well, then Aragorn appeared. He rammed headfirst into wall and fell backwards twitching. OK, maybe I don't love all stupid people. Especially if they are male._

_So, I ran out of the kitchen, threw out the rubbing alcohol in a nearby trashcan, sat back down and said loudly to Pippin,_

"_Well, Pip, they don't have that pepperoni pizza, so we might as well just give up on breakfast."_

_Pippin took a hint and we both left. Smart Pippin. Love all smart people._

_Legolas came to us. He lectured us on the periodic table of elements for FIFTEEN MINUTES until I finally threatened to set Fluffy on him. Legolas confused, so Pippin and I could slip by. OK, maybe I don't love all smart people. We both ran into my room and collapsed with laughter. As for Frodo and Sam and rubbing alcohol, I swear I could hear the gagging noises from upstairs._

_Then Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn burst into my room. Gimli had ax. Legolas had bow and arrows. Aragorn had sword._

_"You little vermin!", they said and raised their weapons._

_Cue Fluffy. _

_There was a streak of brownish-gray fur that even Legolas's elfin eyes couldn't catch and Fluffy barreled right into Gimli. Gimli fell with scratch marks all over his face. Legolas held an arrow to Fluffy's head and was about to shoot when Fluffy latched his mouth onto shaft of arrow. Arrow snapped in two. Then he bit through string on Legolas's bow. Brave Fluffy. Aragorn came to elf's aid with sword. Fluffy ignored sword entirely and made for the crotch. There was a furious yell, the clang of a dropped sword, and that will forever be remembered as the day Aragorn was almost castrated._

_From,_

_Merry_


	5. THE JOKE

Merry's POV

_Dear Diary,_

_Boy, oh, boy, did Frodo and Sam get back at us today. He left out a pile of crackers and jam for us on table in dining hall. Pippin was first to try one, being such a sucker for good food. Having tested for poison, we both dug in. Turns out, crackers were made of lembas. One small bite fills belly of grown man. Two hobbits eating giant plate of lembas crackers have no chance. Pippin and I are in extreme gastrointestinal distress right now. Am plotting._

_Have decided to pull THE JOKE on Frodo and Sam. THE JOKE will be a smasher. Can't wait until night falls._

_From,_

_Merry_

_P.S. I am wishing myself luck. THE JOKE is very dangerous._


	6. THE JOKE completed

Merry's POV

_Dear Diary,_

_THE JOKE a big success._

_Pippin and I stole into Frodo and Sam's bedroom (they share the same room, but different beds, thankfully!). It was silent killer, Pippin and I gently picked up Sam and carried him to Frodo's bed. That part difficult, as Sam weighs about as much as hobbit-shaped rock. Pippin nearly dropped Sam's head on floor. Would have been disaster. Anyway, we positioned Sam and Frodo's arms so that they were embracing each other. Pippin and I had fit of silent giggles before leaving room. Pippin did the rest. I watched from safe position. Will tell story best I can._

Pippin ran down the hallway and into the dining hall.

"Everyone! EVERYONE!" he shouted repeatedly.

"What is it?" asked Elrond, who was sitting in dining hall with Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf and several other people of importance.

"Frodo and Sam, they..." Pippin's voice trailed off. It sounded extremely convincing.

"They what?" Aragorn asked.

"They... Oh, you'll just have to see for yourself." Pippin said, and beckoned everyone up to the bedroom of Sam and Frodo. I intercepted Pippin at the door to the bedroom.

"Thank goodness you're here!" I said, trying my best to sound urgent. It added just the right touch.

"What's the problem?" Elrond asked.

I put my fingers to my lips and opened the door. Pippin turned on the light, revealing the embracing couple. Several jaws dropped. Many gasps could be heard. One person actually fainted.

Well, then Frodo and Sam woke up. Reaction _priceless_.

"Whazzgoinon?" Sam asked groggily.

"Ow... Someone turn the lights off..." Frodo rubbed his eyes. Neither realized how close they were to each other until Elrond shouted angrily,

"SAMWISE GAMGEE AND FRODO BAGGINS!!"

They both jerked awake and said, confused, "Yes?"

Then they realized how close they were to each other. They just sat there for a moment, staring at each other in shock. Then they both screamed and darted in opposite directions out of the bed. Legolas grabbed Frodo and Elrond grabbed Sam.

"I don't care what you two just did, but there will be no more of it in my castle, understand?" Elrond said sternly.

"But, Elrond, we didn't," Frodo began, but Elrond cut him off.

"No exceptions! If you want to... do whatever you did... then take it out of my castle! Please, there are innocent elfin children wandering these halls and the last thing they need to see is you two being... doing... whatever you did..." Elrond scolded.

"I swear in the name of Middle Earth that we didn't do anything! Somebody moved Sam into my bed!"

Elrond boxed Frodo on the ear. "Now you are lying, and I will not tolerate that! You will both be withheld food for three meals. That will teach you to behave. Now, Frodo, back to your room, and Sam, you will be put in a spare room. Legolas will be guarding the door to your room. Everyone else, back to bed."

Sam was pushed roughly by Legolas into a room down the hallway. Everyone else dispersed, but Pippin and I stayed behind because Pippin had to tie his shoe.

Frodo glared at us.

"I know you did that, cousins, and I will get back at you." Frodo spat, and he ran into his room and slammed the door.

--

From now on, this story will be told in normal format, AKA, not in diary format. However, if you want it back in diary format, I can do that. But I really want some reviews, people! PLEASE!!


	7. Tinder

OK, then, this story will alternate between diary and normal format. It will be mainly in diary format, but occasionally will switch to normal mode.

_Dear Diary,_

_Frodo's revenge has struck. Pippin and I trapped in bedroom. Door locked. Key thrown away. Pillows duct taped all over inside of door so nobody can hear our pounding or yelling. Am scared. Am plotting. Hmmm... Have idea... Good idea... Just asked Pippin for his tinder box._

_From,_

_Merry_


	8. Giant fire and ax polish in the pancakes

_Dear Diary,_

_Lit pillows and door on fire. Pippin hid in corner. He afraid of fire. Stone around door prevented castle burning down. Genius. I love myself._

_Pippin and I stepped through charred remains of door like war heros. Frodo's face when we came downstairs and into the dining hall in time for breakfast indescribable._

_But Frodo was not through with us. He slipped some of Gimli's ax polish into our pancakes. Was sick three times that day. Pippin worse. Poor thing, he ate ten pancakes. Pippin still stuck in bathroom. Still hear the odd retch._

_**THAT LITTLE SWINE!!**__ Frodo shall die, he's get what's coming to him!_

_From,_

_Merry_


	9. Frodo tortured

_Dear Diary,_

_Ultimate Joke executed. Frodo in for day of pain. HAR HAR HAR!_

_Later..._

_I love myself._

_I rock._

_I rule._

_Frodo stinks._

_He lost his deodorant yesterday._

_I am the victorious hobbit._

_(victory dance)_

_Will tell you best I can._

_Here's how it all started. At two fifteen in the morning, Pippin walked into Frodo's bedroom and woke him up. Frodo woke up and questioned what he was doing there. Then, Pippin discreetly punched himself in stomach and vomited all over Frodo's bed. Now Frodo's bed smells like ax polish. Har har._

_Anyway, Frodo stayed up for two hours cleaning off his bedsheets. Then, after watching Frodo slave away, Pippin pretended to go back to bed. Ten minutes later, he came back and told Frodo he had had a nightmare. Frodo, being a kind and generous hobbit, let Pippin into his bed. Pippin pretended to fall asleep. Well, then he started tossing and turning and muttering in his 'sleep'. Hilarious. Frodo put up with this for an hour and a half, then he was about to leave bed to Pippin when, in his 'sleep', Pippin grabbed a hold of Frodo and hugged him. Can only imagine Frodo's face. Anyway, Pippin did not let go until the sun came up and a thoroughly exhausted Frodo finally succeeded in extracting himself from 'sleeping' Pippin._

_Hahaha!_

_Now, the story! Having endured a sleepless night, Frodo walked into the dining hall. He still smelled like Pippin vomit. He was shunned from the dining hall. Ha! Hungry Frodo then came back up to his room, where I was waiting. Pippin and I tied him down to his bed with good strong elfin rope and tickled him until he cried. Har har! After the bout of tickle torture, we blindfolded Frodo and locked him in his bathroom. There he stayed until the sun went down._

_From,_

_Merry_


	10. The End

_Dear Diary,_

_Pippin and I got the last laughs. Frodo was finally released from the bathroom, when he asked why we were doing this to him. We told him it was because he put glue in my favorite pipe. That was when we learned something: Frodo hadn't put glue in my pipe._

Legolas had.

_From,_

_Merry_


End file.
